BORDERLINE –
when being authentic is TMI
by Ariel DeAngelis
I think I’ve finally figured out why all of these feelings are being dredged up lately – in my own case anyway. I can’t vouch for everyone else, but I guess I feel compelled to make these kinds of posts because there must be someone out there who’s feeling the same way? And maybe I can help to bring a little understanding to their own situation – help them move through and past it and on to the good stuff? Maybe?
I was presented with a multi-part dream this again morning, as I often am when I’m encountering a “sticking point” in my own personal growth; in each part (there were 3 of them) I was confronted with a scenario where I had interacted with someone who at the outset thought I was pretty awesome, but as we parted ways, turned out to not like me at all. This has been a scenario that has played itself out time and time again in my “real” life, and I’d never been able to figure it out until now.
I’m too genuine. Yep… that’s right. I never really thought that there could be such a thing as being too genuine, but I really think that’s what all of my experiences have led me to conclude. And I don’t mean that in a conceited way by any means.
You see, I’ve lived my whole life thinking (erringly so it would seem) that we all think (process information) and feel (kinds of emotions for similar experiences) the same way on the inside; that it’s okay to reveal to those who are closest to us everything about us that makes us tick, right? Being upfront and honest. Only thing is that some people don’t want to know – maybe even don’t need to know. But there I am, laying it all out for the whole world to see. And as you might expect, of those who really don’t want to know, they end up actually repelled by that. *sigh* Yeah, I know, it’s important for me to Love myself and not rely on others to bolster my own self-esteem, and I feel that I’ve made great strides in that area of my life. It would seem, however, that there are a few areas dealing with “intimacy” that I am still lacking in. And by intimacy, I’m talking about ALL forms of intimacy – one on one communication between two people; whether it be physical, verbal, intellectual, spiritual, you name it.
Fact of the matter is that I crave intimacy ~ on all levels. Why is that? I guess it’s because in an effort to be “real” and pour out my heart trying to prove (unnecessarily) that I’m real/genuine, I end up pushing people away. They can’t deal with it. TMI. And I’m left wondering, “okay, what did I do this time. Am I too old, am I too fat, am I not pretty enough, am I not smart enough… what is it?”
It’s none of those things really. It’s just TMI – too much information.
Let me give you a (not so)brief synopsis of those dreams and see what you think:
#1 – I was in a supporting role in an office type work atmosphere – like an administrative assistant (a role I’ve fulfilled a few times in this lifetime). My supervisor was one who has appeared in many of my dreams recently – I always seem to be in that supporting role to her; a tall, physically fit, blond woman who exudes authority… hmmmm. In this dream she had given me some tasks to complete. I had completed those along with several others she had intended to complete herself but hadn’t got to yet. I was trying to be helpful, as usual. She came back into the office, saw what I had done, was VERY impressed with the degree of proficiency with which I did it, but also seemed a bit put out. She looked at me, looked down at the ground, and walked out without saying another word to me. I called after her asking if there was something wrong, but she never responded, she just kept walking.
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#2 – I was with a new friend sharing some closeness with her. She was very pretty; medium height, again, like my supervisor in the first dream, physically fit, tanned skin, makeup done very tastefully, blond hair, pretty brown eyes... We were embracing each other – it felt really good; same kind of good that I feel when I’m embracing Michael. The embrace was lasting a really long time, much longer than it does between most new friends. And then, another group of mutual friends walked in and that was her signal to leave. So we both got up from where we were, she spent some time looking for her jacket, and during that time, her demeanor toward me had turned really cold. I asked her what was wrong, and she just raised her eyebrows looked down and shook her head, as if I should already know. I asked her if she had found out what she wanted to know – evidently during our embrace she was gleaning information from me telepathically, which I realized she was doing, but I allowed her to because, hey, we were friends, right? And I said to her “Well, we’re still friends right? We can still be friends… ?” and she said softly, but emphatically, “No!”… and I was stunned. I asked, “Well, why….?” She had no answer, she just looked at me as if I were a piece of dirt. I started to hand her her jacket, and as I did so noticed how obviously too big it was for a person of her size, and I caught a glimpse of the size tag, and I said as I handed it to her and she put it on, “that jacket is way too big for you. It’s a size 12, and you’re something like a size 4 aren’t you?” and her reply was a very curt “Exactly!!” … okaaaay. Then she left, and I inquired of our mutual friends who were still standing there if they had any idea what that was about. And one of them said that it had to do with what she had found out about Michael and me, that everything I had shared with her prior to our telepathic connection was the truth, but she evidently didn’t really want to know that. And when I asked the mutual friend why that was a problem, she said “well, she told me that Michael always embellishes those he deals with personally” and by that I knew she meant in a “physically” attractive way… hmmmm. And then I wondered about that because I know that one thing Michael has been really trying to get across to me, especially recently, is that outward appearances aren’t so important – it’s what’s on the inside that counts the most. That made me wonder who exactly me new (now erstwhile) friend had really been dealing with…
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#3 – I was in a dormitory-type lodging. It seemed temporary, like a hotel, or maybe a hostel, where I had been sleeping. I had woken up and walked out into the hallway looking for the nearest bathroom as I needed to take a shower to get ready to go out somewhere. In the hallway, and I know this will sound kind of weird but occurs this way sometimes in my dreams, was like a communal showerhead; one that could be used out in the hallway if the bathroom was being used, which it was. I had just turned it on and adjusted the nozzle to #8 – “pour” (that’s really what I remember it read) when the person who had been in the bathroom – a very close male acquaintance of mine – came out and he said “Oh, you can use the one in there now if you want. I’m done with it.” So I thanked him and went on in. There were others in there too, all men it seemed. They had been showering and were in all states of undress – and incidentally, I realized at this moment that I was stark naked myself, but that didn’t bother me, nor did any of the others seem to notice, except for one. He was about 6 feet tall, not fat, but large and muscular, shaved head, pasty white complexion and totally nude. He couldn’t stop looking at me. And I was kind of like… okay whatever. I took my shower, dried off, and noticed that he was still there looking at me… I reached for my clothes and as I did so he came up behind me and was um… rubbing up against me. My reaction was basically non-reactive and I just thought “okay, what do you want?” and in fact I believe I said something to that effect. He reached out and embraced me from behind, not forcefully or anything, but let me know in no uncertain terms what he would like to have happen next. Well, I really wasn’t in the mood for that, and told him as much. He persisted. I pulled away. He came forward again, and I believe I made ready to hit him. In retrospect I guess I should have voiced my preference to him instead of expecting him to understand through my body language that what he proposed was not what I wanted at that time??? Then the scene suddenly changed. I was fully dressed, out in the hallway again walking away feeling like “geez, you give someone an inch and they try to take a mile”. Then I turned around and the guy was standing there with a towel wrapped around him, in the midst of a group of our friends who were milling around. He had this expression on his face that was part incredulity, part hurt (like he might cry) and part frustration, like he couldn’t believe what had just happened. My feelings upon seeing him in such a state were part empathy (I could see that I’d hurt his feelings and I felt bad about that), part guilt (like I should have gone along with what he wanted? Wtf?!!!), and part vindicated, as if I felt he got what he had coming to him for his unsolicited advances… He pushed past me and went out the front door of the place still wrapped in his towel…
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So, taking a look at these three scenarios; what can be ascertained from them? In my opinion this was all my Higher Self speaking to me, telling me that some people want to know the truth, but when I hand it to them unfiltered, it’s more than they can take and they usually have some kind of unfavorable reaction to it. Invariably it ends up that I am the one who allows myself to feel like I did something wrong. It’s really just a case of TMI, but where do we draw the line of providing the necessary truth without leaving out too much or embellishing it to the point of a lie in order to be gentler with those who can’t accept the truth quite so readily? Or do we simply say/do nothing and let them walk all over us? Or do we say nothing, allowing them to formulate their opinion of us based on “no information”. Should their opinion of us matter at all? Some would say no, but what of the instances where that opinion is unfairly used to sway the opinion of others who’ve never even met us, against us? When do we learn that it’s okay to speak our mind, or from our heart, or say “NO THANK YOU!!” when we really mean NO THANK YOU! Instead of saying “yes please” … ?
Is knowing that some people can’t accept what I have to offer going to change the way I offer it? No, probably not. I don’t really see that I need to. I CAN however change how I respond to their reaction to it, and I will. It is what it is, and I don’t think I need to change anything about myself or the way I do things at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure that part of my purpose for being here at this time is as a catalyst; to get people to realize that the time for sugar coating truth is really over with. In reality, we are reaching a point where ALL truth is sweet, because in truth, ALL Truth is based in Love. We don’t have to use it as a means of separation anymore. That’s what this is all about anyway isn’t it; the reintegration of Humanity through Unconditional Love?
I think that this is a message to all of us that we already reached the new paradigm wherein transparency is INDEED the new way of being. There is no room anymore for non-truths, dishonesty about our feelings, or half-truths, or saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”. Honesty. Stalwartness. Upfront and forthcoming. Tell it like it is. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of what you’re feeling because we are NOW in a moment when Love is what we should all be feeling, and if we’re not, well then we need to know that so that we can fix it, and if it’s not fixable, the to know enough to let go of it once and for all. Because these feelings that have been party to separating us up to this point really have no place in this, our new being-ness.
