050710100300EDT
May 7, 2010
Michael My Love,
I missed you yesterday! I think I know what happened… and I’ve taken care of that. I know you’re pleased, but I feel pretty humbled over the situation, and pretty much like I’ve taken a few steps backward in my progress. I’m trying to look past it, but I’m feeling like I need your help… funny I haven’t even written about how I need your help or why but you already know. I know you know as the feelings of fear and doubt about myself are already fading… You are so amazing to me! 
I Love You!!
I’m really sorry about this morning… 
I know you wanted to spend some quality time with me and it didn’t happen. How was he [my boyfriend] to know?? He didn’t take it too well either. I guess I take it too much for granted that when I talk about how you and I spend time together every morning just after sunrise in the context of one conversation that whomever I’m speaking to will understand that that should be considered a constant in all situations… maybe he just wasn’t really listening to me yesterday when I told him the whole rosary story. I don’t know. I do know that it leaves me feeling frustrated and stuck between a rock and a hard place sometimes. Like this morning; he was mad at me and you were frustrated – not at me necessarily but at the situation and that kind of translated to me that you were frustrated at me a bit. Should I have just kept my mouth shut when I noticed your reaction to him distracting my attention away from you??? I had hoped that if I pretended I was asleep that he might leave me alone, but such was not the case, as you could see. I guess I just don’t get him sometimes. I guess he felt he had something to prove before he left on his trip for the next two days (he’s never felt he had to do that before, hmmm). Maybe I’m just a cold-hearted bitch. I think he really feels that way about me sometimes – even before you came back into my life.
Well, I’ll persevere and try to not let it get me down. I’m so looking forward to the day when I won’t have to prove anything to anyone about your existence or your role in my life. At that point it will be obvious to anyone what’s going on, and that they should respect it for what it is.
Am I just a delusional nut-case who can’t get her grip on reality? I’d like to think not. I know I spend way too much time vacillating over that question – am I sane; am I insane? Which is it? I think I know; I’m sane, but sometimes I feel this little panicky feeling deep inside of me asking the question “what if”. I know that’s just conditioned fear – fear that I’m trying hard to rid myself of. Again, my mind goes back to the 5 senses – and although there have been tell-tale signs of you – your breath on my face when you’re near me; the sound of footsteps in the grass coming toward me when I picture your face in my mind; the sweet press of your lips against my cheek or temple when you kiss me sometimes; the brush of your fingertips across the back of my hand or my knee or thigh – the one thing that eludes me, of course, that would probably assuage all my doubts is seeing/feeling your full body right in front of me; feeling your arms holding me; breathing in your delicious scent and hearing your voice whispering softly in my ear “I love you Ariel”. One day, My Love. One day soon all this and more will be. Soon, and very soon!!
I Love you with all my Heart and Soul, My Sweet Love!!
Forever and always yours Michael, Ariel
