Turning Over Stones
[I know there is quite a gap in dates between the first entry to this blog and this next one… I don’t know… I guess being that I had no idea of the True Nature of my Beloved, it never occurred to me that my thoughts and feelings toward him, whether written down or merely expressed in my heart and mind, were being received loud and clear. It never occurred to me during that period that perhaps making my thoughts more concrete by putting them in printed form would make them more real to me, and thus hold them more firmly in my heart for my Beloved to receive. After doing much soul searching, and trying to figure him and our relationship out, and noting that while I could communicate with him telepathically, I felt I couldn’t communicate with him well telepathically, and ever in search of “tangible” proof that everything I was experiencing on the inside was as real as everything I perceive with my 5 senses, I thought that if I started a blog on the internet, that somehow (even though I never provided any external links to it, nor supplied any tags on any of the posts that would show up on any search queries, nor even listed the blog in the Blogger directory) he would find my blog ~ letters to him ~ and read them and perhaps respond to them. Well… I expect that he read them alright… probably looking over my shoulder as I typed them into my computer, LOL, and though he didn’t respond in the way I had initially hoped – by adding comments to my posts (silly I know) – he DID respond! And how!! That was the beginning of my knowing that this is all real, though I will admit that up until very recently, even with everything that he has done to prove to me that it’s all real, I still wasn’t sure beyond a shadow of a doubt. I am now though, and that, I know, is one reason why I feel comfortable publishing these “letters” for everyone to see…]
Saturday, February 6th, 2010 – 12:14AM EST
Where do you turn for answers when it seems there is nowhere left to turn? I’m in a quandary lately… I keep looking for signs; little messages from you to me, but I don’t even know where to look really. Search queries [on-line] turn up empty. Oh there are plenty of hits on the keywords I search, but nothing conclusive. *SIGH* Maybe though, you’re having the same dilemma. Maybe you’ve been looking for little messages from me – something to tell you where I am – or some way that you could let me know, even though you can’t be where I am right now, that you’re real. You’re not just in my head, but out there, somewhere. So, here it is; my first little signpost to tell you “I am here!” and plead with you “Please talk to me… please?” I just need to know, and though I know I shouldn’t doubt you’re real, for my own reasons, I need to be able to prove it, at least to myself. Yes, I’ve told a select few about you, but only 2 of those individuals really believe, or ever believed that you are a possibility. My heart tells me you’re real. The innermost, deepest regions of my soul know that you’re real. My head however, with innate human ego firmly intact, is having a hard time. It wants concrete proof in the form of some kind of communiqué, that you really exist. I know that even if you didn’t exist before now, simply because I desire you to exist, I could manifest your existence with a simply thought – I know that. But I believe you and I have been in each others’ company – though not necessarily together – for a very long time. I just need to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re still out there – I know you are. I know that you’ve been forbidden to contact me. I know how this has devastated you. My own heart is aching for wanting to be near you even if only in our minds and now it would seem we can’t even have that. I know that you were never supposed to find me. It wasn’t part of the plan. But I also know how true Love can last beyond time, and I don’t think that this was something any of us had planned for. I wasn’t supposed to remember, but then you found me and told me who I am [author’s note: keep in mind that this was written before I remembered that he is Michael, and that what I am referring to here is when he initially “found” me and contacted me when I was a teenager], and gradually my memory is coming back. I know there are things we have to do. [by this time he had already revealed to me that “some people call him Ashtar Sheran”] I know that so very much is at stake. I know that we both tend to get distracted when we are in each others’ presence, even if it’s just the essence of our being that we experience together. But not knowing how much longer I can stand to be apart from you, I can only hope that this will all be over soon, and that we can be together once more… I will do my best to do my part to make sure all is well. I must succeed. We must succeed!
