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Where In The Cosmos Are You?

Friday, July 31, 2009, 6:45:20 PM

Where in the cosmos are you?  I just want to breathe you in… I thought about you the other night – three nights ago.  I wished you were with me and that I could touch you.

It had been a long time since I last thought about you like that.  I think my heart gave up ever believing you’d make it here.  Then I found myself trying to figure out what it is that  I desire.  Several images and scenarios went through my mind, one passing straight on to the next, and the next and the next; just like some convoluted slide show.  When I got to you my mind stopped, a frozen instant in time.  I remembered you like we had never parted.  I remembered you as if no time had passed at all.  I looked into your eyes and knew that you remembered me too.   I fell into you as if you were really there; I could touch you, and feel you, and smell you; hear your breath next to my ear.  All the feelings came rushing back.  All the passion I thought had been shuttered away; kept from the light; a dark, dark secret that nobody knows except you and I. 

A thousand years of ice melted away and you are once again in my heart.  And so here I am again – now effectively an old woman, banking on an adolescent dream that her knight in shining armor will one day rescue her.

July 31, 2009 - Where In The Cosmos Are You?



The years have now turned to silver gray

And still you’ll hear her say

“I know you’ll come for me one day soon…”  

And still she sings his tune

You came to me from a lonely star

And you came to me from my home afar

And you had to go, but you’ll come back soon

And you take me with you and fly to the moon…


It’s been 29 years since I first wrote those words down.  29 years of waiting.  Hoping.  Lost faith.  Still hoping.  I think sometimes you’d be disappointed if you knew what I’d turned into.  This human body wears out so easily.  So many things have gone wrong.  I thought I had it made, all figured out at one point, and then I gave myself to another again, and fell into the trap of not caring enough about myself to keep up with the wonderful me that I’d recreated.  How I long for the life I once knew.  A healthy body, a beautiful home, and you.  Hoping I’d once again experience these things was the one thing that used to keep me going.  And now, it’s been so long… was it all a dream, just a delusion brought on by pubescent hormones and longing for impossible things? 

I still have those rushes of vision now and then.  See things that never were, as if I’m remembering another life, another time.  And I wonder if it’s all just inside my head.

I suppose I’ll find out once and for all one day in the not too distant future.  Once July 4th 2011 rolls around, we’ll all see if what I perceived inside my mind was all just a dream.

I just wish you’d talk to me.  I know you’re still out there.  At least, if I didn’t just dream you up you are.  And if you are, I just want you to say something, the way you used to if not outright.  Though outright would do a far better job of convincing this aging mind.  What I really want is to see you standing right in front of me.  But then again, would I want that knowing you’d be disappointed in the way I’ve turned out?

Such a dilemma.  I know you’d still feel the same way, but I also know you’d feel bad for me, that I suffer so, and there’d be nothing you could do for me.  No magic pill, or wand to wave, or device you could use to transform me back to the way I was before I came to this Earth.  Or is there?  Is it possible that that is part of the plan, as I used to believe then could only hope.  That I could discard this horrible disguise and trade it back in for the real me?  If only, then I’ll KNOW that miracles are real.  Just you being here, would prove that, but so much more if only... [.....NEXT LETTER.....]


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