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The Return of Moxie – Part III

by Ariel DeAngelis

I realized not too long ago, when someone asked me if one’s Twin Flame will only be attracted to one when one starts Loving oneself, how it is that Michael came to me the first time when, in fact, I was thinking of doing the unthinkableending my own life, exactly how deep Love of Self can go. That it’s not limited to just what we think of as accepting ourselves unconditionally, but can also be extended to acts of mercy in acceptance of our perception that nothing else will help us to feel better about ourselves… yeah I know, sounds kind of convoluted doesn’t it?  

Most people, even now, do not view the ending of one’s own life as an act of Love… but when you think about it – or maybe even just feel it – really maybe it could be. I know now that in my own instance this is how it was, because it WAS one of my first expressions of Love to myself; in an attempt to assist and nurture myself one last time, and end the pain that to me was so unbearable, I would have shown myself mercy that I felt at the time could find nowhere else. Yes, the fact of the matter is, and one thing that I did not include in my bio – About Me – as I was looking out my bedroom window when I was 14 years old “contemplating my existence”, I wasn’t merely contemplating my existence, but rather also what it would be like if I just didn’t exist at all. Yes, even back then I was thinking about doing the unthinkable.  And I know that some would only see that as being just “selfish” and not unconditional acceptance of one’s self. But maybe, just maybe it is; because in that moment of wanting to end, perhaps it is the Essence of the Soul calling us home, letting us know that beyond where we are, is an existence in which we aren’t judged, and most especially where we’ll never judge ourselves the way we had been taught to while we were here…

But why? Why end it all at a point where I should have been in the prime of my youth? Does there always have to be a reason? There were lots of reasons actually; I was lonely (had been most of my life) – sure I had a best friend, and we did spend a lot of time talking on the phone as I recall, but we really only saw each other in school and sometimes on weekends. She lived quite a ways away from me and I guess that my parents didn’t think I was old enough to ride the city bus by myself, not at that point anyway. My mom was going through menopause at the time (yeah, same time I was going through puberty… now you wanna talk about HELL ON EARTH?!) … on top of that Mom suffered from other health and emotional issues, so at a time when Mom should have been my best friend, we really didn’t get along or talk much at all. The few times I did go to her with things I needed to talk to SOMEONE about, I didn’t get very far. And in at least one instance she actually was the catalyst of a nervous breakdown I had. That was a really difficult experience. I really had no one to turn to due to the “stigma” I was conditioned back then to believe one was likely to suffer by talking about that kind of thing openly, ESPECIALLY to a counselor. It seemed like I was always on the verge of tears… not to mention that even before Michael approached me for the first time back then I was going through a “preliminary” awakening that I really didn’t understand at all… I experienced all kinds of mental stirrings and psychic phenomenon that I didn’t understand. There was no one to talk with about that either who would understand and could help me through it. I was raised in a strict Catholic upbringing and it was impressed upon me at an early age that, while one might experience things like that, you just didn’t talk about it because it could be viewed as “Spiritualism” or conjuring of the “spirit world”… Oh if they could only see me now!! Life was pretty rough for me back then. Yeah, there were a few fond memories here and there but as I saw it, not enough to make up for the low opinion I had of myself. Lots of blows to my self-esteem, and yet were you to ask my other family members how life was for me back then, I’m nearly certain that they wouldn’t remember a thing about how miserable I was. Is that typical? I don’t know… how does it work in other dysfunctional families?

I saw many of my friends pairing up in girlfriend/boyfriend relationships; oh I had my share of crushes, sure, but I felt that I was helpless to do anything about them because who would want me being fat and ugly as I saw myself? It’s how I had viewed myself most of my life. And there were all the other kids who seemed to have no shortage of friends in general. It seemed like everyone “belonged” somehow… except for me, and a few other kids who I rarely had contact with IN school much less outside of school. I spent the better part of my life just wanting to feel that I “belonged”, that I mattered, that someone cared. I guess I figured that if this was all that life had to offer then maybe I didn’t want to live it.

The Return of Moxie - Part III

I know that we don’t typically think of suicidal thoughts as being compassionate or Loving in any way, but it strikes me that to think of it any other way is sort of a misconception – and if in the midst of our lowest moments the only way we can think of to bring peace is to simply cease to be, well isn’t that a kind of self-Love? To Love one’s self at least enough to want to end the suffering even if by extreme measure? I’m nearly certain there will be some who will want to be judgmental here and say that ALL life is sacred and should be treated thusly. I’ve felt that way (or have been “guided” to feel that way) myself most of my life, but isn’t death just as sacred? Until recently anyway death has, at least in this lifetime, always been a part of our life experience here on Earth. So what makes it wrong to want to become a part of the Universal Flow again if life here becomes too painful to carry it forward? Societal conditioning? Religious ideological dogmatic practices which say that suicide is the quickest way to hell…? But they forgot one thing. THIS IS HELL! Or at least it “can” be… it can also be Heaven, if we let it. And after all, isn’t that part of the reason why we are here; to experience the contrast and then put to rest once and for all our (mis)perceptions of our True Nature and how we’ve been led to believe in and just go along with “the way things are”… ?

Well, a Soul Contract is another reason… and that was part of the reason why Michael came to me when he did back then, because we had agreed when I came into this lifetime that my life was to be preserved no matter what, if it should come into danger of ending prematurely. But the other part was because in that moment of considering the unthinkable, I had suddenly turned my focus from what I felt everyone else thought was best for me to what I MYSELF thought was best for me, and even though I was considering what it would be like to just “not be” anymore, still that was more regard than I had ever shown to myself in my entire life… it made the difference. Even on the brink of ending myself, still I was Loving myself, and THAT was something that he (Michael) could work with. It was his signal that it was time for him to come into my life. I didn’t even have a name for him back then, except the one I gave him because of the way he reminded me of a certain character in Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy… I don’t want to rehash too much here of what I’ve already “hashed” out elsewhere, so just suffice it to say that he stayed in my life just long enough to make sure that I would make it through my adolescence and then took his leave of me for the next 20 years. By the time those 20 years had rolled by, I had given up on him ever returning, and in another state of “not wanting to be” I didn’t even know it was he who had come back to save my life yet again – the Unconditional Love that just couldn’t be quashed. Well, I guess that being Unconditional Love is something will never end…

Once again I was requisite to turn my life around, and finding a sort of “self-Love” again. He quietly reminded me that I had other options (and he sort of cheated by reminding me also that I had a son who needed his mommy) and consequently helped me to make yet another transition… sadly that state didn’t last long before I was riding the depression roller-coaster again. From that point forward though his hands were basically tied because I had demanded that he leave me and never return, and he had to comply. Even so, he never really left me. He was always with me… he was always the voice of reason in the back of my head that told me “there has to be a better way”.

But what is this Love? This Unconditional Love, and especially in my case, all this back and forth, up and down, all around, push me pull me until it seems as if the world itself will fall to pieces? I look at it now and having watched other “Twin Flame” couples going through it realize that it was nothing less than the trials and tribulations that any relationship of this type, which is built in Unconditional Love goes through. It’s supposed to be that way … we can’t have a perception of duality the way we’re supposed to if it isn’t. So yes, I know that in the Higher Dimensions things come into balance and True Love prevails, but that doesn’t mean that what we experience here in the interim ISN’T Unconditional Love in one of the highest manifestations of it – if it weren’t we wouldn’t even have come here to experience it. Unconditional – no matter what – for better or worse… Of course, I had no idea at the time while I was going through it, because as AI now understand it, a big part of the equation was missing; namely my “other half”, even though I couldn’t have been more oblivious of that back then (or that I was even supposed to HAVE an "other half"). I guess at one point I thought I’d found my “other half” in my life partner, Chris, who I still have an amazing relationship with to this day. How was I to know? What in the world IS my point of telling you all of this anyway?

Well, I guess that I’m trying to give an example of how the pursuit of Love of Self is really a life-long process that will take you to some places that don’t seem much like “Love” at all, but again, the very fact that we are here experiencing it is proof that it is, AND Unconditional at that… Though, it’s not like one day you realize you’re missing something and then all of a sudden you wake up and say to yourself, “hey, I don’t Love myself. Great idea! I think I’ll Love myself now!”… no, it doesn’t work that way at all, and of those of us who are going through this journey of self toward SELF I think we understand that it IS a long AND arduous process; not to be taken lightly, but at the same time something that is so Beautifully delicate and needing to be nurtured that the Loveliest flower in your garden cannot hold a candle to it. It IS the life-breath itself from which we are made. Infinite and yet at times, so very fleeting; if we are not vigilant it can seem to blow away on the slightest of breezes (metaphorically speaking of course). Does that make sense? Are you understanding me? That if we spend our lives searching for Love, whether we know we’re searching for it or not, what makes us think we’re going to magically find it at the end of a millennium after all is supposedly said and done? What of our focus on said Love? And what happens when our focus is placed on what we are expecting to be wonderful rather than on what we should know is already AMAZING? We end up pushing the intended outcome away from us indefinitely …

[…to be continued…]

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