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A Pebble In My Pocket

By Ariel DeAngelis

A-Rock - an actual boulder with the letter "A" naturally occurring on it, that sits in the middle of the trail to Castle Lake near Castle Crags in Northern California

January 23, 2015 (Happy Birthday Mom!)

Today I came to the conclusion, yet again, that how we experience our lives depends upon certain perceptions we have about ourselves and the world around us. Some people might think that the perceptions he have of ourselves and the world around us are determined by our experiences, but I think it’s actually the other way around, or maybe more aptly a combination of those two things? In any case, I think it’s a matter of “believing  is seeing” rather than “seeing is believing” – or more succinctly put; we create our experience by how we allow ourselves to perceive it rather that the other way around… but I guess I just said that, didn’t I… LOL

I was lying in bed this morning meditating on my health and well-being as I often do upon waking. Concentrating on a part of my body I’d been neglecting or a a while, I noted how amazingly wonderful I felt as I realized that one reason I have not been feeling as good as I could in general lately was because of my failure to perceive that I actually DO have conscious control over how that part of my body functions. I’ve actually known that for quite a while now, however, sometimes I forget. It’s a pattern of behavior  we’re all inclined to follow, I think, because at some point in our lives (usually when we’re young) someone who supposedly has more “authority” and “expertise” over such things imposes their opinion upon us and that is what we end up accepting as “truth from that point on. And even though we may end up discovering a different truth for ourselves later, sometimes it’s not so easy to override that original “programming”, as would prove to be the case this morning.

So I was lying there marveling at how wonderful I felt, drifting in and out of that state right before what some call “sleep”, when all of a sudden, as if someone had flipped a switch, I “fell” back into a perception of helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness. It was almost as if a state of fear had enveloped me, reiterating the programming I had heard all my life that there was nothing that could be done for that part of my body which I had been led to believe was not functioning properly and that I would just have to live (and die) with it, using what “crutches” were offered me in the form of drugstore remedies and other “external sources” of alleviation of symptoms in order that I have some semblance of being able to live a “normal” life. And the fear that what I was attempting to do at that moment to try and fix the problem once and for all would never have a snowflake’s chance in hell of having any kind of permanent, positive effect on my health was almost as if someone who didn’t want me discovering the truth had gotten inside my head and flipped that switch…

Having been through this same scenario many times over the last 3 or so years, I was able to fairly quickly calm myself and think about it rationally. What had REALLY just happened here? It was old “conditioning” coming back to haunt me. I recognized it instantly because of the way it made me feel; fearful; out of control; hopeless, and so on. I know better than that though. I’ve known for many years now, in fact, long before I ever began this final phase of awakening (which began about 5 years ago) that I’ve AT LEAST been able to affect the way my body feels to help alleviate the pain and discomfort of whatever physical ailment I might experience. This happens as a result of altered “perception” when we take the unwanted “perception” and “superimpose” or “manifest” the preferred “perception” over the top of it; effectively replacing what we “don’t want” with what we “do want”. I remember one time having some emergency room physicians completely baffled –

“Why isn’t she experiencing more pain? With a toe that’s THAT broken, she should be in agony…”

Well, I didn’t want to be in agony, so I wasn’t.

As for the broken toe, I had no idea how to “fix” that…  just the pain associated with it. Of course NOW I know that “healing” a body part can be accomplished much the same way. The trick is maintaining a “belief” or more properly, a “knowing” that you can and you will. And part of maintaining that “knowing” depends on whether or not you allow yourself to “fall” back under the spell of life-long conditioning that you “can’t”. It’s all a matter of perception.

So I allowed myself to relax back into the soft, warm comfort of my pillows and blankets, and resumed where I’d left off – with that amazing feeling of well-being, which I’ve been able to, for the most part maintain up to this present moment that I am writing this.

It is curious though, how sometimes as you become comfortable alleviating one round of doubt that creeps in. something else that you had been mulling over previously sneaks up on you and takes its place… which is exactly what happened in this case.

As I lay there, I began thinking about the fact that it’s been quite a while now since I last wrote anything (I’ve put down my “pen” in favor of colored pencils for a while). Well, unless you want to count the song lyrics I penned 4 and 6 days ago (as of the original date of this article), respectively (for me that’s quite a while). It’s been even longer since I went on-line last to fetch e-mails – effectively 10 or 11 days; longer still since I’ve talked to anyone on the phone (except for one friend who is going through her own personal “hell” at the moment and just needed some reassurance of hope that all is not lost ~ in the process of our conversations she also helped to re-instill some of that in me too. And I thank her for that). I got to thinking about all the people I’ve “left behind” on this latest “leg” of my journey ”into” myself. I’m not sure how long this self-imposed cloister will last… several days? Several weeks? Several months? Who knows? It HAS been affording me the opportunity, however, to reassess my reason for being, and perhaps moreover the way I conduct myself as I go about “being”. I thought about how, over the past couple of days, I keep sensing that those who I’ve been closest to recently have noticed my absence. Most of my life I’ve been able to be aware of when I’d crossed someone’s thoughts, but lately, I’m sensing to the point where I not only know when someone is thinking about me, but more often than not their emotions surrounding their thoughts and sometimes lately, the thoughts themselves. What I’ve been sensing, especially yesterday (January 22) is a general feeling of angst and maybe some apprehension with regards to wondering about my whereabouts. At times I sensed that questions were being sent back and forth to that regard, but with no answers readily ensuing. One friend (well, two if I count Chris) does know the extent of and reason for my departure from the social “meme” of our on-line world (of which I revealed some in my recent article “Break”), although she’s not even sure how extensive it will be. Actually, neither am I. I guess we’ll see. I did ask her to give me ‘til the end of January at least and I would see how I felt about it then. Even so, I’m feeling her angst too.

Or am I?

I thought that by publishing a commentary here on my website about this “break” I’m taking I would help to inform most who would want to know of where I am, what I’m doing, and why. Maybe fewer people than I expected have seen the link on my Facebook timeline that I posted to that article? Maybe most people only follow something if it appears in their newsfeed, and this one got buried under “other” stuff before they had a chance to see it? Who knows? I still have this pervasive feeling that lots of people are wondering “where did she go” what is she doing” why?”

Or are they?

Could it be that what I think I’m sensing is only a perception based upon what “I” would be thinking if one of MY friends suddenly vanished seemingly with nary a word? By a measurably expanded token of that same idea, could it be that my whole entire experience within this “social meme” has been based largely in my own perception of what I thought it was supposed to be according to how “I” perceived others might conduct themselves regarding any given situation?

So essentially what I was asking myself here is “what if I’m just imagining it all?”

And a familiar voice interjects “But of course you are Daan…”

“Even citing that I’m a true “believer” in Pablo Picasso’s sentiment that “if you can imagine it then it’s real”?

“Absoulutely! Even and ESPECIALLY citing that…”

Then my mind wandered (or was directed) for a moment to a scene in the movie “The Life of Pi”, which I’d seen recently. Pi was being introduced to the Hindu God Vishnu, and in his accounts of the experience described Vishnu as floating on the Universe and dreaming all that is into existence. And I remember thinking at that moment during that scene of the movie “THAT’S IT!!” … THIS is how I’d envisioned “God” and the “Universe” practically all my life – that somehow, someone or something that was “bigger than me” was dreaming all of this up and I was just a part of that dream! I’d never been introduced to Vishnu while I was growing up though, because having been raised Catholic we weren’t allowed to study other religions – I know, pretty closed minded… and the subject of studying other religions since then had just never come up… but now I see that maybe I never really needed to? I’ve actually come to a LOT of conclusions on my own – or did I? Was there some other inherent knowledge at play here? Now, of course, I have the inherent understanding that “I” am the one who is “dreaming” this experience for myself… Am I “Vishnu”? Well, only inasmuch as we ALL are, in that each of us is “dreaming” our current experience of ourselves, our surroundings and our circumstances. It’s ALL a matter how we allow ourselves to perceive it.

So what of this social meme experience that I decided to “dream up” for myself about 4 and a half years ago by now? I first created it as a means to experience; to learn and grow and rejoice in my re-discovery of my “self”. And along with that I hoped to connect and share that experience with the other myriad like-hearted souls that I had newly become aware of. I was no longer “alone” in the Universe. In fact I perceived that I now had a whole Universe of individuals to converse with.

Perhaps my only “err” in perception was in failing to understand how revealing my “perception” of my “identity” would be perceived by others; as something that to them was unacceptable… was that merely an assumption based on perception as well? What began as a pretty pebble that I carried around in my pocket that I took out to admire and share with friends at intervals, quickly grew into a huge boulder with my first initial emblazoned upon it which I felt requisite to prove I could carry around with me even though it kept getting bigger and bigger and heavier and heavier by the day. That, coupled with my perception that no one cared any longer what I was carrying around or why, made me realize that something had to change… And when the boulder became too heavy for me to carry any longer, I simply put it down.

Suddenly, and perhaps to some, quite unexpectedly, I just dropped it right where it was, and walked away…

I know, well at least I perceive based upon past “communiques” I’ve experienced, that there are some folks out there who had hoped I would “drop” certain other aspects of my understanding and perception of myself and those with whom I am “involved” and/or “associated”. But to me THAT would be like “dropping” myself, and why on Earth would I want to drop myself? Being that I have the perception that to do such a thing would hurt me more than dropping everyone else, I opted for the latter. I’m nearly certain that anyone who truly knows me can understand why. But in case you don’t, I will explain it to you as simply as I can;

It’s been 38 years since I was first introduced to that part of “myself” through which I discovered the true nature of my own “Divinity” and now most closely identify with; from the perspective of both him AND myself. That at least I KNOW is not merely a “perception”, but the truth of who and what I am. It is the same for each and every one of us, it’s just that there are many who still have yet to remember that about themselves. So instead they end up setting “themselves” down and walking away with the misperception that to seek out a “normal” existence would be the easier way to go. There’s just one thing they don’t realize though; when carrying yourself through your life experience on the path of your journey, anything you perceive as needing to carry with you that isn’t “you” is likely destined to become a huge boulder that you may find necessary to put down at some point.

I’m nearly certain that somewhere along my journey’s path I’ll once again encounter that huge boulder which the Universe so boldly embellished with my first initial. Though I expect that by that time I’ll have grown enough that it will once again resemble the pebble which I carried in my pocket with such esteem so long ago.

At that moment in my meditativeness I stopped and wondered about the nature of the Universe for a moment. We created it too, right? Sometimes when you think about it, it can seem like a mere pebble, but if you allow yourself to, you can perceive it as a huge boulder that you think you have to carry around with you. Relating that to how I’ve been thinking about our “World” in general lately I asked Michael,

“Okay Michael, so what do I do with the rest of the Universe now then?”

Michael answered, “Put it in your pocket with the other pebble…” and then he smiled the way that only Michael can smile.

And I laughed out loud, then stretched, got up, and began my day…


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